Astonishing News & Anonymous Reports

Chinese say Melamine is good in everything!

2008-09-29T13:45:00.005-05:00

The industrial chemical Melamine, normally used in the construction of particle board in cabinets and in counter-tops, is also good in food say the Chinese.

Despite the death of thousands of cats when they put it in the gravy of cat food, and the sickening of thousands of babies, some of whom died, when they put it in baby food recently, the Chinese insist that it is perfectly safe and that Melamine is simply getting a bad rap.

"It's good in everything," said a Chinese spokesman. "You should try it!!!"

This reporter refused.

Despite an International outcry, the Chinese announced plans to introduce new products next week, including: Melamine Popsicle, Melamine Tea and just plain old Melamine (in powder form) which they claim is better than snorting coke if you really want to get high and also experience renal failure.

Osama Bin Laden's Mom Convicted

2008-08-07T09:41:00.005-05:00

A military jury has convicted Osama bin Laden's mother of supporting terrorism, a ruling that could mean life in prison, a fate slightly less appalling than living under Sharia law.

The military claimed she had two missiles in her vehicle when she was captured. However her lawyers said it was actually a hair dryer and a curling iron. The military was unable to produce the missiles, but did produce some very grainy black and white photographs of something that looked missile-shaped when you squinted just right.

The Pentagon selected jury of six military officers cleared Osama bin Momma of 38 other charges, but was able to find her guilty of supporting terrorism by giving birth to bin Laden.

Next to see their day in court is a man who once waited on bin Laden in a restaurant, someone who once washed his car, and a sex telephone operator who talked naughty to bin Laden when he called their services back in 1982.
A court sketch shows Osama bin Momma watching as FBI agent Craig Donnachie testifies about his interrogations of her using a baloney sandwhich as a psychological weapon.

Microsoft introduces Windows Dumb

2008-04-17T15:19:00.007-05:00

Today Microsoft announced a new operating system aimed at relieving the average computer user of having to continually assist their aging relatives with how to perform the most basic functions on their computer like: how to get their email, bring up the pictures of their grandchildren, or how to find a document they created, which they claim they saved, but don't know where they saved it to, or what it was called, or the date when they created it.

Introducing Microsoft Dumb, seen pictured below.
Microsoft Dumb is designed for those who probably have no business using a PC at all. The best part of Microsoft Dumb will be that it can make life more bearable for the rest of us who receive several phone calls a week from them. The operating system will have no start menu, and only 6 large icons on the screen. It does not give the user direct access to the Internet, being that it is far too dangerous and perplexing for the average dumb PC user, but rather it will provide a safe interface with certain parts of the Internet.

One of the icons on the screen include a picture frame.
This will pull up all their pictures. The user never has to hunt for them, or know where they saved their pictures to. When a relative sends them an email with pictures of the grandkids, Windows Dumb automatically downloads and saves the attachment without even having to ask the end user where to save it to. All pictures will automatically shows up under the Picture Frame icon the next time they click it.

Another icon looks like a hand writing a letter.
This icon allows the user to write a letter or document. When they are done, or try to close the window, it will prompt them and say: "Do you want to send this letter to someone? Or do you want to save this as a document on your computer? " If they select send this letter to someone, Windows Dumb, without opening a confusing email program, will simply allow them to chose from a list of people they know. The program then emails it automatically. If they select save the document, it automatically saves it in the same place as all their other documents, and forces them to give it a name, rather than allowing it to be saved under some generic name like Document1. This icon also allows them to pull up previous documents, and shows them a list of the most recent documents they worked on at the top.

A third icon looks like envelopes.
This icon allows them to view their emails from other people in a very simplistic format. Only emails that are sent from known email address, previously loaded on the machine at the factory when a relative orders the computer for them, will be shown here. All other confusing emails from people they don't know are automatically rejected and the user never sees them.

A fourth icon looks like playing cards.
Probably the most important and frequently used icon, this allows them to play their card games.

The fifth icon is an Internet Explorer icon.
Except... it doesn't actually take them out to the Internet, but rather opens a window displaying several more icons that only allows the user to do certain pre-configured searches, including:
1. Directions This allows them to input an address, and get directions and a map on how to get there from home.
2. Search Medical Conditions This allows them to arm themselves with information so they can annoy their doctor at their next checkup.
3. Dictionary/Encyclopedia Self-explanatory.

Finally, there is a large red icon at the bottom.
This does nothing but shut down the computer.

Artificial Intelligence detects Biological Dumb
For really dumb users, Microsoft Dumb has an artificial intelligence program that can detect confusion in the actions of the user, prompting a cute animated character of their choice to pop up on the screen and ask them what they are trying to do. It will then walk them step by step through the process.

That's it... simple, beautiful, dumb. Congratulations Microsoft, this may yet be the best product you've put out!

The Horror of Pikachu

2008-03-17T08:41:00.002-05:00

by Sergeant Sneezy E. Dweeberson

Beloved anime character and Japanese Import Pikachu has apparently grown so fat feeding on the souls and imagination of children worldwide, it is now forced to feed on the bodies of these same children intravenously.

Doctors, trying desperately to save the mythical rat/cat/acid flashback, from certain death...within 3-7 years depending on how much body fat there was to live on...have performed a radical surgery allowing food to be ingested directly into the stomach of the freaky little yellow thing.

Doctors are optimistic this will help the slovenly yellow beast survive for at least another 20 years until a new generation of youngsters with tasty souls and minds are ready for it to devour.

Osama Bin Laden's Crapper Found!

2008-03-04T09:04:00.004-06:00

Reported by Jake "Cola" Roberts

The U.S. Military has made an important discovery today that may indicate the capture of Osama Bin Laden is imminent. At 0200 hours today in the mountains of Afghanistan along the Pakistani border, an expeditionary force discovered what they believe to be Osama Bin Laden's toilet.

"We're certain its his hole," said Lieutenant D. McGovern, from the Special Ops team now investigating the scene. "We found numerous clues that confirm his presence, and the smell is fresh."

His men also found opened cans of Dinty Moore Soup, one of Bin Laden's favorite food, and a copy of the Ladies Home Journal.

"We're sure its him," Lieutenant Dan insisted. "This is his privy, and he's up there in them hills, probably trying to hold it in, but he'll have to take a dump sooner or later, and when he does, we'll be right here waiting for him."

Store Unable to Fill Positions for Closing

2008-03-03T12:50:00.008-06:00

Reported by Jake "Cola" Roberts

A Farm & Garden store in Billingsley, Alabama is having trouble filling new store positions in time for their closing.

"We've let people know we're hiring for three weeks now," said Ted Bundy, the Manager of the local Farm & Garden. "No one seems to want to bother filling out an application and interview for the job. I can't understand it. We're paying ten cents over minimum wage!"

Ted and his wife, Marge, are afraid they won't have enough help in one week when they have their going out of business sale. According to Marge there were one or two people interested, but they insisted on having medical health insurance as part of the package. She complained: "We can't afford that! Do you think we're going out of business cause we're made of money?"

Nasa Budget Concerns Alleviated

2008-03-03T12:14:00.005-06:00

Reported by Jake "Cola" Roberts

A solution has been found for NASA's budget woes. With the U.S. Government budget running way WAY into the red, and cost of doing space business rocketing ever upwards, NASA has contracted with Google for a new source of revenue. Advertising!

Google will assist NASA in finding willing advertisers to decorate the outside of the Space Shuttle and its rocket components, much the same way as Nascar. In addition to this, whenever the astronauts need to use a computer onboard the shuttle, or communicate with Mission Control, they will first be forced to view an advertisement from one of Google's clients.

Doomsday Seed Vault Opened in Arctic

2008-02-26T09:43:00.008-06:00

Reported by Jake "Cola" Roberts

In Norway , a "doomsday" seed vault built to protect millions of food crops from climate change, wars, natural disasters or the possibility of Hillary Clinton becoming President, opened Tuesday deep within an Arctic mountain in the remote Norwegian archipelago of Svalbard.

According to Norway's Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg: "It is the Noah's Ark for securing biological diversity for future generations."

European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso and 2004 Nobel Peace Prize winner Wangari Maathai of Kenya were among the dozens of guests who had bundled up for the ceremony inside the vault, about 425 feet deep inside a frozen mountain. "This is a frozen Garden of Eden," Barroso said.

The vault will serve not only as a backup for hundreds of other seed banks worldwide, but will also house a new Amazon.com warehouse, Jimmy Hoffa's body, and Paris Hilton (who had herself and her little dog frozen last week so she will still be young and beautiful in the future when there is world peace).

He Who Dealt It, Smelt It

2008-02-11T06:43:00.000-06:00

Reported by: Sergeant Sneezey E. Dweeberson

Ronald Devershire III recently completed his coursework to become a licensed contortionist so that the next time he dealt it he could...smelt it.

"There's nothing like the smell of your own brand," said Mr. Devershire in a bad Mike Myer's impersonation. And we mean really bad.

We contacted Mr. Devershire's wife for comment. It seems she was less than enthusiastic. "It's just gross. He looks gross when he bends himself all weird. And then he just takes this big whiff. Oh Lord, I think I just threw up in my mouth."

Mr. Devershire apperently has gas and smells it weekdays at 2:30 and again at 5:45 at Central Park.

New Stimulous Package - Bigger, Better!

2008-01-28T08:57:00.000-06:00

Reported by Wayne Wright

With the economy faltering, and this being an election year, Republicans and Democrats are both working hard to out do each other in putting together a bigger, better stimulus package. Both parties agree that the way to do that is to print more money, and then drop it into the hands of the American consumer as quickly as possible so that they can buy our way to economic prosperity.

But how to do it? The IRS says its hands are full right now with the start of the tax season.

The answer: Outsource the printing of the money to Kinko's and use the National Guard (those that aren't in Iraq, Afghanistan, in hospitals, or six feet under) to distribute the payload. "It's simply brilliant," said Congressman Ted Tumorhead while speaking to reporters at a recent press conference. "A truckload of cash to every man, woman and child in America, now!"

The White House has downplayed any fears that the National Guard is already stretched too thin. In an official press release they called the worry "Nonsense! We're pretty sure there are still gobs of them in every state."

When asked about the long term consequences of all this money printing and spending, Congressmen Tumorhead simply waved his hand before the faces of the reporters, apparently attempting to use a Jedi mind trick on them, and said: "There are no consequences."

Messin' With Sasquatch Takes a Nasty Turn

2008-01-28T08:37:00.001-06:00

Reported by: Sergeant Sneezey E. Dweeberson

Tragedy struck today on set of the latest "Messin' With Sasquatch" commercial, when the Health & Safety auditor was sent to the wrong shooting location. Without his input, Sasquatch was put in an unsafe situation that ultimately led to his death.

In the latest commercial, 3 astronauts stumble across a sleeping Sasquatch while eating Beef Jerky. Inspired, they load him in a rocket and launch him into space. At which point Sasquatch reappears to bash the skull of the lead astronaut with a moon rock. Unfortunately, things did not go as planned.

When James Salizar, Health & Safety oversight auditor for the studio was sent to the wrong shooting location, no one was around to make sure the rocket was equipped with the proper equipment. Combine that with Sasquatch's complete lack of astronaut training what happened next was inevitable.

At 4:45 pm, Sasquatch was shoved into a working rocket the studio purchased on eBay. Within minutes the rocket was launched with no flight information programed into the computer. As the rocket careened out of the atmosphere and into radio silence the frightening bellow of Sasquatch echoed through mission control.

Everyone thought Sasquatch would never be seen again, but thanks to NASA, Sasquatch's fate has been revealed.

As this photo reveals, Sasquatch somehow made it to Mars where the total lack of a breathable atmosphere and exposure to deadly radiation has likely killed Sasquatch by now.

Some experts believe his dirty rat's nest of matted fur may have actually kept him alive slightly longer as it may have provided a slight shield to the onslaught of radiation as he sought breathable air in a lonely and desperate attempt to survive. Experts are divided on how Sasquatch would have died, but all agree that it was the worst imaginable death any of them had ever contemplated.

"Think about it," said Dr. George H. Freenstein, Dean of the Astro-Physics Department at the Universty of San Diego, Minneapolis campus. "He was likely rendered unconscious by the force of the launch. Somehow he managed to make it to Mars, only to stumble out of the rocket into a harsh environment that burned his skin, collapsed his lungs, bulged his eyes, and curled his toes. Horrible."

The family has opted for a private ceremonies, but in lieu of flowers the family requests you fling your poo at someone you love.

Carbon-Zilla’s Beware!

2008-01-08T13:38:00.000-06:00

Reported by Jake "Cola" Roberts

The day when we use to make fun of environmentalists and call them derogatory names like “tree huggers” is over. Environmentalist wacko’s are now in positions of power, many of them even work within our government.

Take Jane Greer, pictured above. She’s no protester. She’s a United States Congressman. And that’s not a slogan she’s holding up, but the name of her latest bill. Her and many other eco-nazis believe that man is a disease on this planet, and that as many of us as possible should off ourselves in order to maintain the proper ecological balance for the earth.

In response to such drastic views, some in more populace areas have taken extreme measures to lighten their carbon footprint. Take Yangsun Yin Chen Min Mou, as an example of this new paranoia. Mou, pictured below, sold his delivery truck last week and now uses his bike to deliver fifteen-thousand newspapers from the presses in Kowloon, near Hong Kong, all the way to neighboring Dongwan, some 60 miles away.

“I don’t mind doing it,” said Mou. “I get up at 3am, take me 6 hour to bike uphill. Please don’t kill me. No carbon here, I swear!”

Pay As You Go

2008-01-04T08:31:00.000-06:00

Reported by Kyle Jameson

There is a toilet revolution taking place in Japan right now, and it may be the wave of the future in the U.S. before long.

The rising costs of water in many nations have caused some of them to go to extraordinary lengths to cut down on public toilet usage. In Japan, “Pay as you Go” toilets are the newest rage.

Earlier versions of the pay toilets did not work so well, as the only incentive for inserting a coin and paying for its use, was that you were then allowed one flush – which was controlled electronically. Unfortunately, there were far too many instances of people who would use the toilet and not pay, thereby leaving behind a nasty surprise for the next user.

Later models included a sensor. Any person caught using the facility without paying would get the nastiest splash-back they’ve ever experienced from a sonic jet spray nozzle inside the toilet bowl.

Although the Pay As You Go toilets have reduced the cost of maintaining public toilets in Japan, the public has cried foul. They feel they should not have to pay to go. Enter our hero of the day. Google, the internet company that has turned online advertising into a multi-billion dollar business, has proposed installing ads on public toilets. A sensor on the toilet would detect usage, and charge the companies that advertise on the toilets for each use, thereby allowing the public to use the toilets for free.

After a recent visit to

Japan

by a U.S. Bureaucrat, reports have begun circulating that the Pentagon is thinking of installing these new Google Ad Toilets in order to reduce costs.

Before long, we may begin to see these devices appearing in other public buildings, court houses, rest areas and malls.

Fuzzy Vision - Wave of the Future?

2007-12-27T09:20:00.000-06:00

Reported by Jake "Cola" Roberts

Nostalgia of the past has driven some people to revert back to playing vinyl records. Many now claim to prefer the background noise of a needle traveling the grooves of an LP record over that of the clean, more sterile sound of CD’s.

This growing movement has now spread to television. Growing numbers of people claim to be unsatisfied with the crisp, sharp images being displayed on their High Definition Plasma and LCD screens. They are nostalgic for the fuzzy broadcasts of low resolution television tubes of the past.
To satisfy this longing, Sony has created a “High Def to Low Res Converter” or HD2LR using a newly developed technology called "Fuzzy Vision", which users wear as head gear. However, the device does far more than simply make High Def look fuzzy. Lin Chung demonstrated the used of the new device for Astonishing News. Lin, pictured here, is playing Microsoft Flight Simulator X. The remarkable HD2LR device she is wearing transforms what she sees. Instead of seeing the high tech flight simulator (released in October 2006), she is instead seeing Flight Simulator II by Atari (released in 1986).

The remarkably light, albeit somewhat unwieldy device also filters out stereo and surround sound, and converts it to mono.

Currently the HD2LR device sells for around $500, but prices are expected to come down over the next year as the popularity of the device continues to increase.

Helpdesk Installs New Chairs to Cut Down on Bathroom Breaks

2007-12-26T09:26:00.000-06:00

Reported by Manning Uprite

The Tech Support Department at Aper Computers has come up with an innovative way to keep their specialists on the phones.

After a two hundred thousand dollar renovation, every workstation at the Call Center is now equipped with new office chair that is also a working toilet.

Gill Lumberg, manager of the Call Center, was quoted as saying, “This will save us tens of thousands of dollars annually in lost production time.”

After hearing this, I was certain I would hear protests from the employees when I went to interview them. I was shocked to find that they felt the new Toilet Seats were a great improvement.

"Now we can play 'World of Warcraft' for hours uninterrupted," said one of the Aper Computers employee who asked that his name remain anonymous. "Our only complaint, and its a minor one, is that we might like to have high cubical walls for additional privacy. And our own personal vending machine in each cubical so we don't have to walk to the break room to get a Dew."

When we asked management about the employee request, they said that taller partitions and personal vending machines were not in the budget at this time.

Christmas Is Cancelled - Santa Dead

2007-12-24T11:01:00.000-06:00

Reported by Jake "Cola" Roberts

Kids the world around are shocked by the news. A tragic case of alcohol poisoning left the world's jolly fat man laid out on the floor of a local pub in Anchorage Alaska. Paramedics rushed to the scene, but a snow storm delayed their efforts. By the time they arrived he was already gone.

"I couldn't believe it," said volunteer Paramedic Bill Johnson. "We arrived on the scene and there was a sled and reindeer parked outside. When we went in, Santa was just laying there in a pool of his own vomit and urine. He wasn't breathing and had no pulse. We tried to revive him, but he was too far gone."

If this tragic turn of events weren't bad enough, it appears that Santa's nephew Craig "Slaughterhouse" Clause, a convicted felon who has been in and out of rehab, is slated to take over the job next year. Thousands of parents have threatened to boycott Christmas altogether next year, have their chimneys blocked and install burglar alarms if Craig (pictured below ) takes over the job.

Mark Saunders, Parental Rights Advocate, released a statement to the press early this morning stating the following: "Parents are upset, and for good reason. This man is frightening and they don't want him creeping around in their houses while they sleep. Until another candidate can be found for the role of Santa, we are going to continue to protest!"

Somebody Has Poor Aim

2007-12-21T07:37:00.000-06:00

Reported by Jake "Cola" Roberts

Janitors working at Arrow Head Stadium in Kansas City are exasperated over recent problems with the aim of fans using the facilities during half time.

"It appears someone has missed," stated Head Janitor, Alvin Moore. Pictured here in waders, Alvin says he's starting to get pretty discouraged by the whole mess. "At first, I thought it might have been on purpose, but who would intentionally do such a thing? They'd have to be some kind of monster."

Stadium Management Officials say they are taking action by posting non-verbal signs in all bathrooms depicting the right and wrong way to use the facilities, hoping this will help alleviate the problem.

"Even if fans are illiterate, they should hopefully be able to comprehend these easy to understand images," said Richard Tiny, one of the Stadium janitors we found installing the new signs. "I sure hope it works. The bathrooms were a real mess. That much urine is surely a breeding ground for contagion."

If you have an interesting story, or an interesting photo that could be turned into a story, please email us at: astonishingnewscrew@gmail.com

Yoga News

2007-12-20T11:06:00.000-06:00

Reported by Wayne Wright

Our intrepid reporter Wayne Wright reports on the latest news in the world of yoga.

Ireland has been slow to embrace the yoga craze sweeping the world, but it looks like it has finally arrived on her shores. Local Dublin yoga enthusiast Paddy O'Flaherity, (shown in bottom photo), demonstrated a deep back bend in a chair. The back bend posture is typically done on a low bench and held for no longer than a minute or so, but Paddy has apparently mastered the ability to hold the posture for hours at a time.

Some Indian Yoga Masters have made accusations that the Irish are being assisted by the use of large amounts of alcohol.

The photo on the top shows the Indian Yoga technique. The photo below it shows the new Irish version of the posture.

Domestic Assault with Hillary Clinton Nutcracker

2007-12-20T09:39:00.000-06:00

Reported by: Manning Uprite

Police were threatened with “Hillary Clinton” nutcrackers early this morning after responding to a domestic disturbance call at the Hightower Apartments in Des Moines, Iowa.

At about 1:30 a.m. police received a 911 call from concerned neighbors stating that they were hearing the high pitched screams of a woman coming from a next door apartment. Officers responding to the call also heard screaming and kicked open the door to find a man laying in the fetal position on the floor with both hands clamped protectively over his groin. “He was screaming like a woman,” said Detective Richard Small. “He just kept saying ‘No, no, no’ over and over again.”

Standing over the man was a woman yielding a “Hillary Clinton” nutcracker, sold on stupid.com, that she had gotten as a gag gift from a friend. The woman then threatened the police with the nutcracker. Police then backed away and awaited the arrival of more officers who were armed with Tasers and shielded by Kevlar cups. The woman was eventually subdued.

Later she told officers that she heard a voice coming from her radio that sounded like Hilary Clinton, telling her to castrate her husband with the nutcracker. She said she felt compelled to obey the voice.

The suspect's identity was not released, but police said they expect to charge her with multiple counts, including attempted castration with a painful weapon.

If you have an interesting story, or an interesting photo that could be turned into a story, please email us at: astonishingnewscrew@gmail.com

Catfish and Pork Barrel

2007-12-19T13:09:00.000-06:00

Reported by Wayne Wright

From the campaign trail - Wayne Wright recently traveled to Little Rock, Arkansas for an in-depth investigation of Mike Huckabee's record in office. While there, he uncovered something fishy going on. Here is his report.

On Wednesday morning I had breakfast at a local cafeteria in Little Rock. I planned to take a walk afterwards and take in the sights as my interview with Mike Huckabee wasn't scheduled until later that afternoon.

As I sat at a table enjoying my grits and sweet tea, a man approached me and asked if I was: "that there fancy reporter from Astonishing News." I said I was. He then informed me that he had some information I may be interested in regarding a local pork barrel project sponsored by certain Arkansas Senators.

He told me about a spending appropriation created to monitor the level of tooth decay in giant catfish. This project had been created to bring in Federal dollars and boost the fortunes of local dentists (pictured above performing an examination) who lived in and around the Buffalo River. The man felt that the Senators were receiving some kind of kickback.

Although I was unable to find evidence of the kickbacks, I did soon confirm the existence of "Catfish Smile" - a 22 million dollar appropriation from Washington. I also discovered that the Republican project was so successful that there were subsequent efforts by local Democrats to request funds in an effort to fluoridate the rivers or Arkansas. This was shot down by Republicans who called it wasteful and also cited the need to protect the purity of our precious bodily fluids.

Genetically Altered Apes Escape Cincinnati Zoo, Found in Kentucky Teaching School.

2007-12-19T12:04:00.000-06:00

Reported by Jake "Cola" Roberts

Police say that two genetically enhanced apes, which escaped from the Cincinnati Zoo two months ago were recently found in Prospect, Kentucky. They had obtained jobs at a local school system working as substitute teachers. School administrators were apparently unaware of anything unusual about the new substitutes. "We don't have any kind of policy against facial hair," said Superintendent Roy Franks. "They seemed to be well-groomed, and they produced official looking documents at the time of their interview."

Dr. Mohojivaha Nixon, the geneticist who created Zen and Berry, said he was astounded that the two apes were able to adapt so well in such a "backwards and podunk" state like Kentucky. "This clearly demonstrates the extraordinary skills of these two animals," said Nixon. "They were actually able to "dumb-down" their language and social skills so as to fit in."

Welcome to Astonishing News and Anonymous Reports

2007-12-19T10:10:00.000-06:00

Welcome to Astonishing News and Anonymous Reports, where you'll find stories not published anywhere else, and enjoy exclusive interviews with experts of the highest magnitude on the issues that really count.

Please do not share the information found on this site with anyone not trustworthy. It could be your undoing!

We now introduce you to our crack team of investigative reporters:

Wayne Wright:
From the bowels of inner-city Chicago, Wayne Wright is able to blend into any environment, and get concrete answers to the burning questions you crave to have answered.

Kyle Jameson:
Straight out of the mother-loving womb of Texas comes Kyle Jameson, a true American patriot. His past investigations into shadowy government agencies have shocked many. He now joins Astonishing News to expose the secret parts of even more cryptic elements within the U.S. and abroad.

Manning Uprite:
Born in Iowa, the very cradle of integrity, Manning Uprite joins the Astonishing News team with the kind of cow-tipping, bull slapping enthusiasm that really brings home the bacon.

Jake "Cola" Roberts:
Jake is a rugged reporter who originally hails from the Alaskan wilderness. In 1982, he tracked down and uncovered the identity of the "Fairbanks Slasher" who turned out not to be a man, but a polar bear whom the local residents had named "Frisky." Frisky, once thought of as being relatively harmless, was put down and Jake awarded the key to the city of Fairbanks by the Mayor .

With these men on the prowl, and my experience at the helm, you can be assured that you'll receive the very best in Astonishing News and Anonymous Reports!

Sincerely,
James Luda [Chief Editor]

If you have an interesting story, or an interesting photo that could be turned into a story, please email us at: astonishingnewscrew@gmail.com